Cloud's Confessions
by JapaneseMiko
Summary: A story with a little twist and few surprises. Cloud telling his sordid past. Yes, he's gay, but you the reader must choose who with... Among other things..
1. Chapter 1

**READ THIS FIRST: I have decided to try a slightly different approach with this fiction. I'm working on the next chapter of my other one for those who care (not many). I value my reviewer input and to prove that to you, this story is going to read a little differently than most. I would say I'm the first to do this, but that might be wrong and I don't need someone claiming that I stole their idea and claimed I was the one to invent it. Or something like that...**

**So this is how it's going to go: 1) Pick yourself a character from the game, it can't be Cloud by the way, that kind of defeats the purpose. And it can't be some random NPC or Aries (she's still dead remember). Basically: Barret, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Vincent, or Reeve (Cait Sith).**

**2) This is going to be a tale told from Cloud's point of view about his past in Midgar. It's told as though he is talking to the group (Re: you). And that's where you come in!**

**3) At the end of each chapter Cloud is most likely going to say something like "Any questions?" or "What else could I have done?" Some sort of question that you can answer, and answer you shall! Send a review with your chosen character's name at the top and answer the question or give Cloud a suggestion. All your questions will be incorporated in the next chapter at some point.**

**4) Only you can help me shape this story and get Cloud's thoughts back in the right places! Don't do it for me! Do it for him!

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He was always there, in the back of my mind. He was trying to prove what something deep inside me already knew.

I wasn't good enough. I would never be good enough.

You want to know something? I was in love once. I once loved someone with my entire heart. I once dropped all barriers and inhibitions. I would have done anything and everything for him, and I used to delude myself by thinking that he would do the same for me if so asked.

Stunned looks? Yes, it was a "he". This should come as no surprise to you, but it seems as though I was wrong once again.

You see, that's where this story truly starts. Nothing that happened before really has much bearing on the events that followed, but I suppose I shouldn't make that assumption for you. It's all a little too late for me to be retracing my history back to my birth, however. So I will spare you that chapter of my life and skip straight to my arrival in Midgar.

No, don't say anything. You've said enough to last a lifetime. It's my turn.

When I first came to Midgar, young and mostly disillusioned, I thought that nothing could be worse than where I'd come from. For a long time, I thought I was right but this was to be the first, though not the most severe by a long shot, in the long, hideous string of my misjudgements.

The second came when I was sitting in the first ShinRa recruiting office I could find. Yes, I was sixteen at the time and could in no way pass for an adult, but I hadn't bothered to think that I might need an adult to sign for me if I was under eighteen. I found this out by accident. The boy in front of me had to allow me to go in ahead of him since his mother had yet to arrive.

Now I was faced with a choice. I had run away from home and not only did I not dare to return, but I truly don't think that I would be allowed to return. I was free, remember? I didn't want to give that freedom up, but if I couldn't join ShinRa then where else could I go? I was a minor far from home with no friends or family to offer a home to me. I couldn't even rent a room. I'd spent my entire savings on the trip up for bus fare, food and bribing the officials to allow me to illegally enter the city.

So, with no other option left to me: I lied.

I am quite certain that the recruitment officer saw through my badly created facade, though he said nothing to me about it. He asked my name, age, place of birth and told me that my vital stats would need to be taken at the compound tomorrow. He never double checked my story. He never commented on how I was small for my age, though I was tiny compared to the other kids my true age in those days. He didn't ask me for I.D. or a birth certificate either.

I can't say I knew exactly why he let me pass on that day, but I didn't wish to give it much thought at that moment. All I could think about was getting to the compound and grabbing myself something to eat. A hot shower and a decent bed would have been appreciated as well.

Looking back, it was stupid of me to think that just because my stomach was no longer growling, everything was going to work out for the best. Of course, I was conveniently forgetting the fact that I was going to be put in a class with other, real, eighteen year old recruits.

A questioning look? Did I confuse you? If so, I am sorry. What is bothering you?

Yes, I did say that I couldn't figure out why I was passed though it was painfully obvious, even to myself, that I shouldn't have been there in the first place. You are right, however, in one aspect. It was highly suspicious and might have had something to happen with what went wrong later on down the line. In fact, it does. I said I didn't know back then, but I never said I hadn't figured it out yet.

"Why did he do it?" I can tell you are all itching to ask that question. That will come in dear time, my friends. It all become clear to all of us by the end of this little tale hopefully. It has taken me years to get to this point, remember? Granted, I did have many emotions to sort through and another person goading me to deal with all this time, but that's why I need your help. Besides, if I understood everything, I would have no need to tell you this and I most likely would have disappeared by now.

I need your reactions, your questions, the little looks you give me so I know you are finally seeing where I am coming from. I need your feedback more now than I did back when I relayed this story for the first time. I have new details, new trains of thought, new emotions and I can't get past this by myself.

Do you understand?

Good, but I must ask you hold you questions until I give you leave to ask them. Some things fade in and out and I must concentrate so I do not miss something vital.

Where was I again? Oh yes, the other recruits.

Since I had lied to get accepted, there was no turning around and going with the other sixteen year olds. I was going to have to fight my way to a much coveted position in SOLDIER with my opponents being two years older, wiser, and much, much stronger that me. They had known exactly what they were getting themselves into when they'd signed up. They had trained and waited for this day and they weren't going to give up their dreams so easily. My goal was nearly impossible from the start.

I was stupid back then, and I freely admit that fact and will be doing so quite often from here on out. I was in way over my head and I didn't have to sense to back out while I still had the chance. Stupid on my part, true, but it wasn't entirely my fault that I could no longer return home.

But that has no bearing on this, as I have previously explained.

The transport was mostly empty. Two fifteen year olds-the youngest age ShinRa would allow one to join-one sixteen, only me as the one eighteen (supposedly as it was), and two nineteen.

No one spoke. I do not know what was going through their minds in the silence, but I do know why I chose not to say a word. What if they knew I was younger than I claimed? What if they told someone? Where would I go then? I had no skills apart from my mediocre skill with a blade.

Aside from the fact that I possessed no blade at the moment, my skill with them was very limited and I was certain that I would stand no change against the thugs living on the streets if they managed to get a jump on me. I couldn't stay guarded forever.

Our arrival was uneventful. We received our room assignments and were sent on our way with promises of uniform fittings and physicals the next day. I was sharing a room with three other eighteen year old guys, Zack being one of them, which turned out to be both a blessing and a curse as I am sure you are all aware of.

Though, as it turned out in the end, the biggest curse I attributed to him had been set in motion before I'd even met him.

I know you wish to say something, but you must trust me on this. Everything will make as much since at it can in the end.

My other roommates were never really around. They had friends higher up within the company who enjoyed partying. While it might have seemed fairly stupid to go out and party all night long when you have practice in the morning, they were promoted long before any of us even knew we could get promotions at this level. Suffice to say that within ShinRa, it wasn't what you knew that, rather who you knew, that counted.

That first night it was just Zack and I, and he was insane with joy when he learned that, due to lack of contacts in the city, I was going to be spending a substantial amount of time in the dorm.

Immediately upon meeting him, I knew that he was the kind of guy you could trust with anything. And yes, I did have a small crush on him for the first few weeks. Then he got a girlfriend and I realized that he also was the kind of guy that was great to be around but would drive you crazy if you actually dated him. He reminded me of a little puppy that you have to watch to make sure he doesn't pee on the rug or chew up your favorite shoe.

And, not entirely unlike a puppy, he had a set of razor shard teeth and some well taken care of claws. I once witnessed him throw a man about ten feet, and that happened before all the Mako injections.

There was something else about him that set him apart as well. He knew I had lied to gain admittance into ShinRa, and yet he was kind enough not tell anyone. You'd think that would have been the end of that. Why would anyone chose to hang out with a proven liar?

Zack would apparently.

He not only befriended me, but gave me some extra training in some areas that I was sorely lacking in skill. It was almost as though I had a guardian angel watching over me and lifting me up when I stumbled. Believe me, back then I stumbled quite a bit more than your average recruit. He must really have had the patience of angel to put up with me and be there for Seph at the same time.

Yeah, I used to call him Seph. Even he seemed to realize how unnecessary and pretentious saying his full name all the time was. But you could forget about using the nickname unless you gained his personal permission, and woe to you if you were caught using it and he said you couldn't. His permission wasn't something you could easily gain either.

But I doubt he'll be minding much where he is at the moment.

As sad as that thought is for me to say out loud, his death is what this is all about after all.

Okay, I'm going to need you to bear with me for a few minutes. I think that it is important for you, as well as me, if I relay this next memory exactly how it happened. No more skipping around from this point. I swear the rest of this will be in chronological order.

All I ask is for you to listen. It is, after all, the least you can do...

Will you?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to all of you have reviewed. The game has now begun, so there should be no more of these author's notes at the beginning of each chapter. I think it just flows better that way. You should all be jumping with joy right about... now! Good...**

**Disclaimer: Since I forgot about it last time: I do not own any characters from Final Fantasy VII or affiliated plot points. Sadly, Square created them and have placed a copyright on their polygon asses, making me feel very, very sad. But I'll get over it. This takes place before the events of Advent Children, but completely disregards the 30 minute anime special 'Last Order' so don't expect me to mention events that occured in it at all.

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Everyone on the same page?

Good.

Two months had passed since I first met Zack and he was _always _around in those two months. I couldn't sneeze without him popping up behind me to say 'God bless you.' So when he began to disappear for hours at a time, I was concerned. He kept complaining about some mysterious guy, who wished to remain anonymous. I didn't really pay much attention to that part, seeing as I knew he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend and I thought that he could handle whatever it was that was going on himself.

Anyway, he'd also been pulled out of class a few times and when I inquired about his whereabouts, he blamed this same guy and muttered something about a promise not to tell.

So about a week passed in this fashion, and, I must admit, I was becoming curious as to where he was going and what he was doing in the times he wasn't practicing, hanging out with me, or going on dates with his girl. One day he appraoched me with a 'hint' as he called it, that I was to be meeting this mysterious man some time in the near future.

At this pointin time, I was beginning to get a better grip on reality. I'd now seen what I was up against when it came to getting into SOLDIER. I had fought against the men in my class on numerous occasions and had come out the loser in all battles. Some of the recruits, namely Zack, could afford to leave class and go gallavanting off into the sunset with some random guy. I, unfortunately, could not. The only that was allowing me to keep up hope was the Zack's sporradic training nights

He invited me to come with him the next time he was summoned from class, going to so far as to openly state that I was to be recieving a summon as well.

I told him that he could march his butt right back to whoever sent him and explain that I was not coming out of classes I desperately needed to come hang out with him.

"Even if it was the General himself doing the summoning?" he asked then. I looked him in the eye and laughed. I told him that there was no way in hell I was leaving class. Not even for the General.

And I'd meant it. Back then, Sephiroth was revered as a god in Midgar, but not in many other places. Sure, we knew of him and we knew of the victories he'd managed to scrounge up at the time, and we most likely would have been a tad nervous had he just appeared in our village one day. I knew he had never been deafeated, that he carried a sword of inhuman length, and that he was a very private person. Other than that, I was in the dark about pretty much everything.

So I could care less about him, really.

Little did I know, Zack wasn't kidding for once in his life, and, lo and behold, a note summoning Zack and I arrived for us in the middle of class the next day. I would have refused to go, just I had said I would, but our teacher wouldn't hear of it. Something about pulling rank and her getting fired if she ignored official summons.

"See, Spike." I despise that nickname by the way. He was the only one who could get away with it because I got tired of threatening him after awhile. "I told you that you'd be 'summoned' as you so elegantly put it. You're my best friend, man! I wouldn't want to leave you behind. Where's the fun in that?"

"Just shut up and keep walking."

We continued on like that for a ways. Zack would would act like his usual, idiotic self and I'd either ignore him completely or tell him to go screw himself. Eventually, however, I gave into my own sense of curiosity.

"I know you're desperate to know where we're going, Spike. I know these things about you. It's what makes me a great friend!"

"No, it's what makes you a pain in the ass. Now will you stop bouncing around like a brain dead monkey and tell me where the hell it's we're going?"

"Okay... Hey! Did you just ask me where we're going?"

"Are you deaf as well as being a bumbling fool? Of course that's what I asked. We have been walking in the same direction for ten minutes. I'd just wish to know how much longer I have to listen to you."

"Geeze. You and he will get along swimmingly. Always putting me down. I think you do it just to amuse yourselves. Don't you even care about poor, little old me?" At this point he threw his arms out in the air as though he was about to offer himself up to some malicious god or something.

"No, not really. And you still haven't answered my question."

Trust me, it was like this every time you wanted to get something out of him. It was actually quite humorous to me, and I know that he much preferred me going against him at every turn rather than me following behind him blindly just because he'd been nice to me. Zack was like that in a way.

So Zack was a little weird. That fact is going to come into play quite a bit from this point out. But it wasn't just his weirdness that drew people to him like flies. There was a certain gentleness underneath the facade of a happy-go-lucky demeanor. There had to be for Aries to even agree to go out with him in the first place, but that isn't until much later.

But he was first and formost, a ruthless ShinRa SOLDIER (albiet later on in life). Never forget that. His determination rival that of the General and mine combined.

And he wasn't going to be telling me where we were going at all, no matter how many times he teased me about wanting to know. I think he was going for me being shocked and surprised by our destination.

All I wanted was to get back to class and if you'd seen the chunks of mountains I was supposed to beat in the next test, you'd have been thinking the same thing.

But I couldn't help thinking.

Who on the Planet would want to meet me so badly, they would knowingly pull me out of a class they had to know I needed to do God knew what?

Who?


	3. Chapter 3

**_Note: Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to put these any longer, but you've left me no choice. Not a single one of you has picked a character and responded in character like I asked. After this chapter it's going to get impossible for me to write the chapters if you don't respond in character... Come on guys... Humor me... Please..._**

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Sephiroth, huh? So that's who you think is summoning me? I suppose it would make sense to think that way. After all, you do know that Zack was good friends with the General.

But you're wrong.

Believe me, I was surprised as well when Zack threw open that office door in order to reveal Tseng waiting on the other side.

The Turks were the things of legends or, as it seems now, nightmares.

As I've said before, Sephiroth was someone I knew of, but not someone I cared much about. Tseng was a totally different matter. Everyone knew that when the Turks showed up, trouble wasn't far behind.

I was afraid of the Turks back then, as I should have been. It didn't take a rocket scientist to point out that messing with the Turks was probably the last thing you would ever do, and if you were dumb enough to piss off one, then you'd just managed to piss off all the others at the same time. They were a loyal bunch with long term memories.

And I couldn't help but feel as though I was about to make Tseng very, very angry.

"Cloud Strife?" I nodded slowly not relaxing for even the slightest second. "And I'm sure you remember me, Mr. Charon."

Zack grinned and gave a small wave, but I knew him well enough to see that he was strung tighter than a wire on a spring trap. If pushed, the wire would break, releasing the full force of his pent up unease.

I found myself praying that Zack was on my side.

Tseng stood and walked over to a file cabinet in the corner of the room and pulled out two manilla file folders. "Here I have two files. One, Mr. Charon, is yours. The other, Mr. Strife, is your. Now, I can do one of two things with these precious documents."

"I can take this rubber stamp," He held up said stamp, the raised letters turned so we could easily read them. 'TURKS.' He lowered the stamp back onto the desk. "and mark on your files that you belong to the organization within our humble company that makes certain everyone stays safe. You'd never be able to become a SOLDIER, but you wouldn't need to. The Turks are the top of the ladder here, my boys. You don't go much higher than us."

"Of course." He picked up a different stamp. "I couldl always do this." He phantomimed stamping one of the files witht he new stamp. "Mr. Strife. You haven't had the best training record here, have you? I know someone training within our ranks you would get along very well with. I see potential in the both of you."

"As for you, Mr. Charon." He tossed the stamp in the air and caught it easily. Gods how I wanted to know what it read. "This stamp cannot be used on you, and you know it. You're far too important to this company, no matter where you end up, but that won't stop me from using it on your dear friend's file. But we've discussed this at length already.

Zack nodded grimly as Tseng finally tilted the stamp so I could read its raised lettering.

'TERMINATED.'

I felt faint. I knew what he was getting at now. Either I joined the Turks, or I coulld consider myself expelled from the company all together. Hell, I was probably going to be terminated anyway. Tseng had made it perfectly clear: Zack had tocome as well.

What kind of person would give up their dream to help a lowly liar when they could use their own importance to ensure a place in the ranks of SOLDIER?

Zack would, apparentally.

"I see you've left me no choice." A smirk crept across his face. "I'll do whatever Cloud deems appropriate."

That did it. Any more shocks and I was going to say 'Screw pride' and faint dead away. I suppose that's what I got for underestimating Zack once again. You'd think that I would stop doing that after awhile.

My mind wass racing off down several different paths. I could accept and prevent Zack from achieving his one goal in life, or I could screw over any chance I ever had of receiving a job within ShinRa and end up alone on the street.

Maybe Zack knew the name of a good church I could spend the night in.

"No." Tseng's eyes widened. Something told me that he was rarely denied something he wanted. "I couldn't do that to a friend. I don't care what the circumstances are."

Silence descended on the room like a heavy cloak. I don't think the even Zack had expected me to turn down the opportunity of my lifetime in order to protect him of all people. I'll freely admit that I'd never really projected the image that I cared about him.

I'd projected a lot of things that weren't true back then.

Suddenly Tseng began to clap."You were right, Mr. Charon. He's stubborn as a mule with a sense of loyalty the likes of which I have never seen in all my days."

Zack began laughing and patting me on back. I was stunned into silence. "See. He'll be a real asset to any division, but I want him in yours simply because there are many people I don't trust and none of them are in the Turks."

"Um." I'd found my previously missing voice. "Can I have a say in this?"

They both looked at me strangely, but Tseng nodded that I was allowed to continue. Very nice of him him to give me a say in my own life.

"Will someone explain exactly what is going on around here? Preferably Zack."

Another long silence, and then Zack began speak.

"Well, I was sitting around in the dorm one day when I chose to skip class, when what do I hear but someone trying override the door combination.

"I, naturally, hid. I wanted to know who would want to sneak into a lowly cadet's dorm. It was Tseng and he was loooking into a claim that you were accepted into ShinRa under false pretenses. Someone had felt threatened by your sudden improvements, got suspicious about your, well, your less than mature bady features, and ratted out to Tseng that something wasn't quite right about you."

"He has been taken care of, by the way." Tseng interjected. "If there's one thing I despise among the ranks of grown men, it's a rat."

I held up a hand to stop either one of them from going on. I had to think about what had been said for a moment.

A couple of mintes later and I gave Zack the signal to continue.

"So Tseng was rifling around in your bafs looking for anything that would point to you being anything other than what you claimed to be. I confronted him, and, after a lot of threatening and bribing on both parts, we came to an agreement.

"He wouldn't tell anyone that you were sixteen and I would make sure that you were ready for the Turk training program by the end of the month. This..." He made a broad gesture. "was just another test."

"You passed by the way." Tseng pointed out.

"Okay." I said weakly. "So what does this mean for me?"

"You are now officially a Turk-in-training." Tseng offered. "If you want to be, that is."

He tossed me the first stamp, the one that said 'TURKS'. I stared blankly at it for a moment. "The ink pad's on the desk," He put one of the files down. "as is your file. Do what you want with it."

He then left the room.

I looked at Zack and then at the stamp. I could vaguely hear Zack fidgeting in the background, but there was one more question to ask.

"Why do you want me to be a Turk so badly?"

He stopped fidgeting. "There are a lot of reasons..."

"Give me one."

"Look, Cloud. You and I both know that you aren't going to go anywhere in SOLDIER. You told me so yourself." He sighed. "You are too young to keep up with the rest of us."

"And yet Tseng would take a failure like me into his precious Turks?"

He held up a hand. "Before you start going on about how you've failed everything you've every tried and how ShinRa would have to be braindead to give you a spot any higher than a grunt, let me talk. I've heard this speech before, anyway."

And it was true. He had heard my speech before, many times as a matter of fact. He knew what I was thinking, better than myself at times. It was kind of creepy really.

"You're not a failure. Teng and I agree on one point. You're undertrained. You are outmatched and way undertrained. Some of these eighteen year olds have been here since they were fifteen. You can't compete against that. Not in a million years, though you have been doing exceptional all things considered. But you knew this when you signed up. You swallowed your doubts and fears and chose to trust yourself. Not many guys your age could do that and you know it. Tseng's trying to give you the chance to train with someone your age for once. See how you fare. See if you courage was only just a passing flare."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. So this was what Zack really and truly though about me. I was flattered.

Nevermind that I knew I was undeserving of the praise. It had been an act of desperation that had brought me to this point, not courage.

And fear was why I had stayed.

But maybe he had a small point. Courage had caused me to put everything on the line for him. Courage and a tinge of momentary insanity.

"Fine." I slowly made my way to the abandoned desk. I could feel Zack's eyes following my every move. "Fine."

"Fine, what?" He asked hesitantly.

I picked up one of the stamps and pushed it against the spongy ink pad, watching as the red ink rose up around the rubber, only to be soaked in again by the sponge. I lifted the stamp and slowly placed it on my file, pushing down hard in order to make a clear imprint.

"I'll do it."


End file.
